Comedy Episode: The reason why the US military failed to attack Beijing in the 2000X

(Yao: This is reposted from the internet, not Yaoshao's own work, but it's really brilliant, so I'm shamelessly copying it. Please take a look and laugh together.) Then he timidly asked everyone for votes. I was kicked into the fourth place on the new book list, and I'm so frustrated. Now sitting in front of the computer, I can't even feel like writing. )
Summary by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the U.S. Congress
This defeat was not only a strategic failure but also a tactical failure.
1. Our military carelessly used the Beijing tourism map written by the Beijing Tourism Bureau, the Beijing transportation map of Beijing Bus Company, and the Beijing Topographic Map of the Beijing Geological Exploration Center.
We mistakenly think that although the things Chinese people provide for themselves aren't exactly good, they would never deceive their own people, but we are wrong. The very first day of getting these maps meant we were destined to fight the wrong war at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and in the wrong country.
1. The 3rd Battalion of the 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne Division, originally scheduled to land at Tsinghua University, was mistakenly airdropped into Kunming Lake in the Summer Palace. Some surrendered in water, some drowned, and none of the 533 escaped.
2. After capturing the Yungang area, the 10th Mountain Division followed the original plan to sabotage the Third Research Institute of the China Aviation Group. The 1st Regiment's 1st Battalion searched Yungang Town for nearly a day but could not locate the exact location of the 3rd Academy of the AVIC Group, so they could not deploy the entire 1st Regiment to join the search, preventing the unit from completing its operational plan. When the main force crossed the Yongding River, the airborne troops failed to deliver the pontoon bridge troops on time, so they had to stay at the crossing point for seven hours. Only after the bridge troops arrived did they realize the so-called Yongding River had no water at all. It wasn't until the retreat that the First Regiment learned they had been circling the compound of the Third Aerospace Institute for four whole days!
3. After breaking through the positions of the Chinese 26th Army, the heavy armored group of the 3rd Marine Division broke through from the Badaling Expressway into the suburbs of Beijing. At the junction of the Fifth Ring Road and Badaling Expressway, they encountered unprecedented traffic jams in the United States, unable to advance for as long as 15 hours, and were defeated by Chinese reinforcements.
4. Paratroopers of the 502nd Regiment, 101st Division, landing in Laotun choose green spaces, clubhouses, swimming pools, and lakes on the community planning map. But when they landed, they found they were all on rooftops because the developer had changed the plan without permission, building the originally promised greenery, clubhouse, swimming pool, and lake to increase sales. Even more tragic is that these damned community plans have caused countless casualties during parachute landings by unlucky paratroopers. The surviving paratroopers fought the militia through skylights on the rooftop all night, with most killed in action.
5. The only parachuting force within the Fourth Ring Road, the 501st Regiment of the 101st Division, landed at Chaoyang Park, the only open space within the Fourth Ring Road. After the airborne landing, they found the terrain in the area was rugged and hardly qualified. The heavy equipment dropped in could not be transported out of the park, so they abandoned their original battle plan and held the park to await rescue. They were the first unit captured in full formation during this campaign
6. During street fighting, the floor plans advertised by real estate agents were severely distorted. The interior space of all units was terribly cramped, and heavy weapons could not be transported into the rooms chosen as fortresses before the war; Moreover, the building's strength was severely insufficient and could not serve as combat cover.
7. Notably, when the Navy SEAL raided Anzhen Building, the special forces guys rushed along the fire escape route. Unintentionally, the fire escape was blocked by the property company or repurposed, and after breaking several pliers, they had to declare the mission failed and evacuate.
8. Battlefield commanders are undeniably responsible for overreliance on China's official highway maps, which led to uncontrolled troop deployments. For example, the Fourth Heavy Armored Division advanced from Tianjin all the way to Beijing, planning to advance along Jingtong Road, Jianguo Road, and Chang'an Avenue toward Zhongnanhai; However, countless missing manhole covers on the road made it impossible for our vehicles to move forward. Countless manhole covers even jammed wheeled infantry fighting vehicles and tanks, rendering them immobile. The remaining tank units sprinted along the famous Jingtong Expressway, and by the time they reached Sihui, their structures had been scattered. They were then occupied by a group of suspected militia who had been waiting for a long time to collect scrap furniture and were riding carts (a nearly primitive means of transport used by Chinese peasants). Post-battle confirmation showed that although they demonstrated astonishing combat power at the time, they were not militiamen. They rushed forward and took away all the old stations.
9. The 82nd Airborne Division, responsible for the assault on Beijing Capital International Airport, entered the city via the airport expressway after occupying the airport. When crossing Siyuan Bridge, due to poor bridge quality, the heavy equipment drivers dared not pass and had to abandon their vehicles and proceed light. At Sanyuanqiao, facing the dizzying 36 red lights and hours of traffic jams, soldiers sunburned and heatstroked scattered to find water. Many soldiers, driven by thirst, had to drink Beijing's severely polluted groundwater, foaming at the mouth, limbs cramping, unable to control themselves, and fired wildly, shouting: My God, which Pentagon bastard ordered an attack here? I'm going to kill him!! Can people live here? We traveled thousands of miles to come here—we're really courting death!!
10. Our mechanized troops entering the city is a disaster. Along the way, there are more than a dozen toll stations of all sizes to pay, and they pay by tonnage. Even when passing vehicles, damn it, the Chinese army pays at least half as much as we do!! Moreover, even those who check road maintenance fees are set up everywhere. Once in the city, they get fined by traffic police, and the toll collectors are of poor quality, unable to distinguish between US dollars and RMB. No matter what money is, the same amount is required! This made our army see entering the city as a dreadful route (if only we had known we would have brought the Japanese).
11. Most of the Third Ring Road was off-limits to heavy trucks, and no tanks could pass on any road. After reaching the Third Ring Road, all personnel who had broken through were forced to dismount and fight on foot, and were completely wiped out by the well-rested 38th Army.
12. Accurate intelligence we received before the battle stated: The open ground on Tiantongyuan Road could serve as an airborne landing site. At 1 a.m., our troops launched a surprise attack, but unexpectedly, they fell into a dug sewer after landing. Later, it was learned that the reconstruction of the Tiantongyuan Road sewer system, which had been excavated ten years ago by Beijing's municipal engineering department, has not been completed to this day. At the same time, the construction sites being excavated throughout the city have made it difficult for our mechanized troops to advance.
13. The only force to reach the Second Ring Road was our brave and fearless First Army Division (the famous First Red First Division). They launched a fierce assault and advanced to the Second Ring Road, but accidentally got onto Xizhimen Bridge and never found their way back. Dear members here, if you are fortunate enough to visit China, you must visit our poor soldiers at Xizhimen Bridge, where they are still circling there.
14. The 7th Motorized Infantry Brigade, entering from Tanggu along the Jingjintang Expressway, only felt the nightmare begin after getting off at Minqiao Temple, because they found all their equipment could not get off Minqiao Bridge. The troops trying to turn around found that all intersections were too narrow or blocked by other bridges. When they got off the bridge, they realized they had already walked back to Tanggu. 15. The Delta Force safely airborne at Babaoshan secretly infiltrated along Shijingshan Road and Fuxing Road, only to face fierce resistance near the Princess Tomb Bridge. The wolf commander was blasted to a pulp by six old-style naval guns and a wall full of machine guns, angrily shouting, "Who made this map with crap in their brains?" Why aren't places like the PLA Navy Headquarters and Air Force Headquarters marked on the map? ”
2. The active participation of Beijing citizens and various functional units was the main reason for our crushing defeat.
17. Our Strategic Intelligence Influence Center and Psychological Warfare Unit forged CCTV's 7 p.m. news broadcast, trying to convince Beijing citizens that they had been defeated. However, the result backfired, and their confidence in fighting grew even stronger!! At first, we thought it was our footage or the announcer had a flaw, but then a Chinese American from mainland China told me that Xinwen Lianbo would also have people watching it. That's what it means to see a ghost! Another Chinese American said: Can you trust things from Xinwen Lianbo? That's what it means to see a ghost!
18. The disabled motorbike militia (let's call them that) and electric bicycle militia divisions everywhere in Beijing played an important role in the Chinese people's defense and counteroffensive battles! These people are highly mobile and highly skilled in combat, able to inflict casualties on any road or at any moment! A large number of our officers and soldiers were hit and killed, stunned, and thrown flying, losing their ability to fight and unable to care for themselves.
It's hard to imagine that these well-trained, highly skilled fighters are just militiamen; I'd rather believe they are born warriors.
19. CIA intelligence agents, disguised as overseas students, infiltrated Beijing's Haidian Universiade Village a week before the war, hoping to use it as a temporary base to report the deployment of the motorized militia division with Beijing A license plates to headquarters. Unexpectedly, when using the xx megabit broadband claimed by Tianhong Real Estate and Yanqiao Property, just 10 photos of the deployment map, totaling only 5 meters, were sent out for four days without being finished! When the battle ended, the victorious citizens were told that thanks to the outstanding contributions of property developers and network providers, the city avoided greater losses.
Intelligence officers told us: If it weren't for the snail-slow broadband speeds in Beijing's residential complexes, we might have been able to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival at Tiananmen.
20. Our pre-war assessment suggested that China's wealthy population was more afraid of death and unlikely to participate in resistance, but later we realized we were completely wrong. China's wealthy population, especially BMW owners, are extremely impressive. In just four days, 4,112 people were killed by BMWs, while in all of Beijing, there were only 1,037 BMWs—on average, one person per day!! We have formally filed a claim through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs against BMW Germany and their Chinese joint venture partners
21. During the campaign, when our troops were preparing to occupy the Hepingli residential community, the local property management company mistakenly thought it was a new property management company hired by a troublesome local owner, leading to a violent fight. Our soldiers completely underestimated the terrifying combat power of these Chinese security guards, and in that chaotic, highly lethal Eastern style of hand-to-hand combat, the entire army was wiped out.
The 4th Division encountered the same problem when entering Wangfujing Commercial Plaza. From the general manager and deputy general manager down to the security guards, the cleaners all seem to have military backgrounds, attacking at the slightest disagreement, and possessing strong fighting skills! This universal conscription strategy made our soldiers avoid it as much as possible. We will clearly list Chinese urban construction property companies as targets subject to sanctions, strictly prohibiting them from exporting labor; otherwise, future security forces from Iran or North Korea will pose a serious threat to U.S. forces.
22. Our medical logistics staff have never been able to enter the Fourth Ring Road because countless young girls selling flowers would pester the male soldiers closest to the female soldiers providing field medical care to buy flowers, making it difficult for the troops to advance and delaying treatment for many wounded.
23. Our vanguard infiltration unit had just entered Beijing, intending to seize the high ground of Yuquan Mountain. However, due to a camouflage disguise error, they were mistaken for a vegetable vendor by the Xunyuan security guards and beaten with sticks, resulting in heavy casualties.
24. During street fighting, Chinese people never hide indoors; they would rather pile up trash and use bicycles as cover to shoot at us. At first, we thought they lacked basic military skills, but later we realized hiding inside was even more dangerous. Once, a pistol bullet pierced a half-meter-thick load-bearing wall and killed one of our soldiers! On the battlefield, there was even a tragedy where a 17-story apartment building was blown up by a grenade, and not an entire company of soldiers inside survived. Nowadays, residential buildings in China are called 'graves' by us.
25. The most brutal battle was the fierce battle at the entrance of China's National Petition Bureau. The 1st Regiment of the 8th Division was ordered to investigate the archives inside to find evidence of Chinese officials' crimes and unsettle public sentiment. Unexpectedly, as they approached the target gate, they were disguised in advance and mistaken for armed police maintaining order, immediately clashing with the coming-of-age crowd. Upon hearing the news, the *** crowd continuously flocked from places like Beijing South Railway Station. The situation continues to escalate......
26. The CIA once sent 100 senior intelligence agents to infiltrate streets and alleys in the first ten days before the war, but none survived. Later, according to a Beijing subdistrict office, nearly 50 people were lured into the light by local Kanye enthusiasts and their endless political analysis. Nearly 30 lost their fighting ability due to their vocal issues and mental disorders while gathering information with local women. The remaining 20-plus went missing, reportedly recruited as bodyguards with high salaries during the Heavenly and Earth investigation.
Now, deputies, I propose that we observe a three-minute moment of silence for the 4,691 soldiers who died in this battle, that is, all soldiers of the 1st Regiment of the 8th Division......